Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder (Or So They Claim)
by cuby18
Summary: Prompt: Alex and Tom go camping, with a side of surprise snowy shenanigans (and if you want to include other characters, that's cool too). Written for SpyFest Holiday Fic-Exchange 2019!


Prompt: ''Alex and Tom go camping, with a side of surprise snowy shenanigans (and if you want to include other characters, that's cool too).''

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder (Or So They Claim)

Everyone living on Alex's street knew to beware the snow. Or, rather, to beware the first blizzard that occurred either during the winter break or that posed enough danger for the commute to stop and schools to close, as the end result was the same: catastrophe of epic proportions. Both enabled the Menace living on their street and –convincingly- pretending to be a decent human being at any other time of the year (otherwise known as Alex Rider) to invite over Menace No. 2 (otherwise known as Tom Harris) to indulge in their shenanigans that for some reason always evolved to include the whole street despite their numerous and repeated complaints.

When it happened for the first time, they were caught completely unaware and paid for it dearly, although they would have prefered to call it a vital life lesson that one needed to learn to survive in the neighbourhood after the Riders returned from their travels and finally settled down. In the beginning, they seemed like such nice people, albeit the uncle wasn't the most sociable sort and it looked like the nephew was alone more often than not; however, it changed quickly when they hired that housekeeper and Alex started bringing a friend over to his house. All in all, they appeared to be a normal enough family that never caused any trouble.

And that was one of the reasons why that first winter after that came off as such a shock. There was a blizzard the night before which prompted them all to cover their cars or put them in a garage if they had a chance, as well as take care of other most at risk stuff. They were used to it from the previous years and there were no signs to indicate it might change that particular year.

Therefore it came as a shock when they were awoken by the loud screaming and sound of something collapsing. Upon taking a look at what was happening outside and might be the cause of such noises they were graced with the rendition of Swan Lake – if swans were replaced with two boys using fishing poles and –was it a drawer?- to travel the vast expanse of something that used to be their street but now resembled a frozen lake decorated with candy canes and gingerbread men hanging from the lamposts to make them resemble an odd mixture between the enchanted forest and the gingerbread house from the fairytale, although they were all more reminded of the witch from that particular story when their brains finally registered what was happening in its entirety.

The source of that was the realisation that the sound that woke them up came from one of the electric power poles at the bottom of their street that apparently couldn't carry both the weight of the snow and a tiny Christmas tree that somehow ended on top of it, fastened with festive looking ribbons. How they accomplished that particular feat remained a secret for everyone but accomplices themselves, and the power outage that followed marked what became known as the Grand Age of Terror that in the following years became the reason for people either moving away for good or at least a very good incentive for those who remained on the street, to spend winter elsewhere whenever possible.

Well, at first they thought it was just a one-off, an example of Alex acting up due to his uncle's absence (even though said uncle did absolutely nothing when the incident was brought to his attention, and the housekeeper looked more amused than anything else, although that changed after the outage occurred) . But that theory was disproved completely not even a year later when it seemed that the uncle was the instigator behind the newest prank if the sight of him lecturing his nephew on the best ways to use the lower part of the roof as skiing slope was any indicator. And some of the kids also overheard him giving both boys a lecture on how to remain unnoticed during any unsavoury escapades they might get up to in the future.

And that was apparently the turning point; taking his uncle's support as a carte blanche or something, Alex became even more daring, some even speculated that he did it to make his uncle proud, or at least get his attention for a little while (they could almost understand that with his frequent absences, however, it was no excuse for the mental scarring it gave them every year).

And due to the escalating of said incidents, it could be said that while the prevalent thought upon hearing of Ian Rider's death was how tragic it was that Alex lost his last remaining family member, the thought of how they might finally be getting some reprieve wasn't far behind even if they weren't particularly inclined to share it with others out of feeling of shame (although it was revealed later at one of the picnics after several glasses of wine that such thinking was widely spread). Ian Rider really wasn't what one would call an exemplary guardian, they reasoned between themselves, as if to try and excuse such uncharitable thoughts, even if someone disregarded him encouraging the two menaces' tendencies to wreak havoc on unsuspecting neighbours, and, at the end of the day, Alex still had Jack, who seemed way more invested in his emotional well-being than Ian ever was, and was also always there for Alex, as opposed to Ian who was absent more often than not and probably barely knew his own nephew.

And they actually thought they succeeded, as Alex was seen less and less often following the funeral, and when the blizzard came and went and he spent it elsewhere, they got a false feeling of security. Especially since a year later the pranks returned tenfold.

On the third anniversary of The Swan Lake Incident, there were only the most persistent inhabitants still present during the blizzard if only they could help it. There were times when it couldn't be avoided as the blizzard arrived without a prior warning that would enable them to find accommodations elsewhere (better spending a small fortune for a hotel room than staying at home if the alternative meant peace of mind), but after The Home Alone Incident researching the weather forecast for months in advance became a matter of survival. Because no matter what they said about them being heroes for apprehending the robbers all by themselves, people weren't really believing the whole ''it was a complete coincidence that we stumbled upon their plans and foiled them'' and were more inclined to believe they had something to do with the whole ''let's rob this particular street during the blizzard'', but since the police wouldn't take them seriously if they claimed the teenagers tricked the robbers into coming, they kept their suspicions to themselves.

But it was a year after that that things started looking up again.

It was a crisp winter morning and when the inhabitants of the certain street in Chelsea opened their curtains in the morning they were greeted with a sight they had been dreading ever since the weather forecast had shown blizzards in the near future. As far as they could see, every available surface was laden with a thick layer of snow.

However, that year's holidays were more promising, due to delightful piece of information that was relayed by Jack Starbright – Alex was planning to go camping for a full month, including the time when he usually caused problems for the whole street. Since it was the first time it happened they were confident enough to largely remain home for the holidays, something that hadn't happened in years. But it still meant that they were a bit nervous when it was discovered that the departure was happening the day after the blizzard, which didn't exclude the possibility of something being planned still.

Alex could feel the eyes on him as he started loading the car with camping gear. It seemed like the whole neighbourhood was closely following every move that he made. If he looked around he was sure he would see numerous pairs of eyes duck back behind a curtain or behind the fence bordering in his house in a vain attempt to remain hidden from his sight. He grinned at Tom. It was almost better than their usual plan for the season.

''Based on your look we're already the centre of attention,'' Tom grinned back without taking his eyes from the precariously tall pile in his hands.

''How did you guess?'' asked Alex, sarcasm dripping from his voice as he stepped forward to relieve Tom of some of his burden and dumped it into the boot. It was mostly clothes, which task was mainly to serve as a pillow for the rest of the stuff and tools they would need on their trip.

''Past experiences perhaps?'' suggested Jack who ventured outside to see how they were faring and to make sure they were really just packing and not carrying out some last-minute present for the neighbourhood that would get triggered in a few days after everyone let their guard down in their absence. She had made some plans for the holidays as soon as she was informed about Jerry's plan to take them camping for two weeks and made it her goal to execute them without any ''surprises''. She wasn't sure he really knew what he was signing up for, but it wasn't her problem anymore. After issuing some half-hearted warnings that he waved away easily she deemed her civic duty done and focused all her attention on her own plans. After five consecutive years of putting up with Alex and Tom (and on one memorable occasion with Ian too) during the winter holidays, she felt she deserved a break, as well as their street as a whole.

''We have no idea what you're talking about,'' they said in sync, giving her matching puppy eyes that stopped working on her after The Home Alone Incident that they didn't speak of anymore. Let's just say that Home Alone films appeared tame in comparison with what they got up to every year. The fact that there were actual robbers that year meant nothing to their neighbours who consequently stayed without electricity and warm water for three days due to extensive damage done to the pipes and wires in an attempt to recreate certain scenes from the films. Her eyes were ringing for days after listening to a tirade from the enraged Mrs Locke from across the street.

She gave them a deadpan stare and peaked into the boot. She quickly stepped away when her brain registered the contents.

''Why on Earth would you need a flamethr—?! Wait, where did you even get—No, don't tell me anything, I don't even wanna know!'' She took a deep breath and turned to look at them.

''I didn't see anything, I didn't hear anything, and if anyone comes asking about your whereabouts I don't know either of you and even less about what you might be doing and where,'' she turned on her feet and quickly strode back into the house.

Once she was back in the relative safety of the kitchen she allowed herself to breathe properly again. There was a fleeting moment when she considered that she had perhaps overreacted but that thought disappeared just as quickly as it came when she remembered the last time she dismissed her worries at the sight of something decidedly out of place, especially in winter. She still had nightmares whenever she saw a soil knife and a spade together in the same room, the flashbacks of that episode almost warranted her several sessions with a psychiatrist.

Alex and Tom just exchanged amused glances in full knowledge that they would have been in for a long rant if she had noticed what was underneath the clothes – namely an ironing board, and as Jack knew just as much about the missions as Tom did, it would probably ring some bells and surely change her opinion from ''better ignore whatever they're doing and have an excitement-free Christmas for a change'' to ''better the evil you know; who knows what they're planning on doing but it's definitely shaping up to be worse than anything up to date so they're staying here''.

They (and Jerry) were the only people to know what was really happening that year.

It wasn't so much a reprieve for his neighbours as it was a case of having bigger fish to fry. Alex might or might have not gotten wind of the fact that he was to be put under surveillance due to certain pranks and plans that he carried out under everybody's noses and that caused substantial mental scarring at the Royal and General.

So while he would have loved to spent yet another year terrorising the neighbours – they were way too boring, and he really just wanted to bring some excitement into their lives at first, then it became sort of a competition between him and Tom to see if they could beat their previous year's result – they were rating the level of anger. Mrs Locke's reactions were particularly entertaining, especially since she was pretty snobbish when she was introduced to Jack, and they actually started measuring the volume of her voice. So far so good, although the volume only increased slightly in last two years before the Home Alone Incident, which gave them the idea of it being more effective if she was given some breathing room to give her lungs some rest. Therefore they had decided that they would try to give them a year off – or, to put it better, make them fear the ''what ifs'' of their supposed absence, there was nothing more antagonising than anticipation. Alex could attest to this himself, the wait was always worse than the torture itself, as your imagination was working full speed, imagining everything that could happen, the actual pain was sometimes better than the fear of what was to come. And while some might say it was unfair that they went on tormenting the whole street because of one person; well, they were pretty sure kids liked their ideas, and the lampposts decorated with gingerbread just made their day.

Therefore they decided to actually give them free pass that year, they even let Jack inform them in advance - and they thought that she really deserved a calm Christmas with her family after being ''dead'' for months) and they could always up the ante the next year. And, also, bigger fish to fry – the agents following Alex were just too perfect of a target and practice opportunity if there ever was one.

So in the attempt to dissuade MI6 from sending tails after him, he planned on getting rid of them very thoroughly, so he enlisted both Tom and Jerry, the latter in an attempt to make the whole camping ruse a believable thing – if Tom's brother wanted to spend some time with him, and wanted to avoid the parents, why not? Also, Jerry was cool, he didn't even blink at lending a fourteen-year-old a parachute for base jumping and drove him to his chosen destination without any annoying questions, although it should have probably rung some warning bells (because who in their right minds would want to land on a research facility renowned for its security), but still.

So, once they got Jerry on board, it was just the question of choosing the right location, which was, ironically, provided by Jerry. He heard about a supposed army training camp in Brecon Beacon and suggested that they took a look at it. When he heard of it Tom couldn't stop laughing for five minutes straight, and even Alex had a hard time keeping in his own chuckling. It was just perfect. In addition to two annoying tails, they also had a whole camp to terrorize if things got boring or something (or just disrupt some outdoor activity). And Alex was also pretty sure that he could get the Sergeant on board if he needed some more help carrying out his plans (the two agents in question also spent a week in the camp for additional training, but were sent home prematurely after coming too close to being shot by their irate shooting instructor; there wasn't a person in the camp that wasn't itching to get back at them for all their blabbing about their superiority and badmouthing everyone else while they were at it).

And so the plans were made, neighbours informed about the actual possibility of calm winter, and all that was left was waiting for the blizzard to happen (if they left earlier it would give people a peace of mind earlier than necessary), and the tails informed about the plan (it wouldn't do for them not to be there after all) and making sure they had all the equipment they might need, which included the actual camping gear.

Now, with Jack out of the way, it was just the matter of bringing one last batch of supplies and then waiting for Jerry to get back from his own trip to the store (leaving in Italy he started underestimating the winter temperatures in England) and they were set to go. And if one was to look around they would see a nice big black car with tinted windows that wasn't suspicious at all, especially in a family-oriented neighbourhood.

Soon they were set to go and slowly made their way to the destination (the roads weren't the best, and also, it wouldn't do to lose their trail this early. They needed them near for the plan to work, meaning the first two days as it was the longest estimate of how much they could take without giving up.

Once they arrived and put up the tent (the drive was extremely long, and they didn't really have the energy to do anything arduous right off the bat) they started discussing the plan over snacks. One snow fight - that might have gotten slightly out of hand as it resulted in the tent collapsing and Jerry almost getting hypothermia – later they were ready for the phase one that they planned on executing before dinner.

Jerry was, unsurprisingly, immediately on board with his role in everything, as he had to deal with similar assholes all the time, and cheerfully took off to scout the terrain. It didn't take long, only fifty metres or so to come across another tent, with the familiar black car parked next to it. Smirking internally he headed towards two silhouettes sitting by a small campfire.

''Hello,'' he greeted them cheerfully. ''What brought you hear into this frozen desert?'' he inquired.

The agents exchanged a look. No one told them the targets would try to associate with them or noticed them at all. However, one minor seatback would not ruin their mission. And they could also use it to get some information about their reason for being here, as it was the first time that Rider didn't spend his holidays at home).

Wilson was the first to speak. ''We decided to take a break somewhere away from the technology,'' he said, proud of his answer, as it would make them sound completely harmless and inconspicuous.

''Oh, really,'' asked Jerry wondering if they thought him stupid or if they genuinely forgot about the fact that there was a shitload of equipment in plain sight if one looked into the partly opened tent.

''Yes,'' answered Rivers, wondering where the scepticism he sensed might have come from. ''And what about you? A solo trekking trip?''

It was Jerry's turn for bullshitting. ''I'm here with my brother and his friend. It was actually supposed to be a two-week stay in a ski-resort but something changed last minute and here we are. It's a bit strange, actually,'' Here he stopped for a moment as if to gather his thoughts. ''Lately, they've been calling each other some weird names and they even started talking about finding their inner animals to find nirvana, you know? That friend had had some tough times and is now trying to atone for his past actions by sort of reliving the past experiences all the while trying to change the outcome,'' he finished, suddenly with a sombre look.

The agents were stunned. This wasn't what they were expecting at all. They thought it was their chance to finally prove that they were better suited for spy work than Rider by remaining unnoticed while they discovered another one of his ploys to wreak havoc on the headquarters. But this was even better. They were so engrossed in their thinking that they failed to notice Jerry's shocked facial expressions upon seeing that yes, they actually fell for it. How gullible could one be, he wondered.

They were only brought out of their thoughts when Jerry started to leave. After five minutes of them alternating between staring into the distance and exchanging meaningful glances, he decided that he had given them enough time to process and proceeded with the second part of the plan.

''I know it sounds weird… And actually more than just a little bit worrisome. I was considering asking some friends to accompany us as a way to kee pan eye on them, with everything they get up to it probably wouldn't even be overkill but they were all busy.''

It was as if a light bulb went off in their heads with how quickly they whipped back toward him with matching expressions of excitement.

''Well, we have no plans, we can as well give you a hand,'' Rivers offered eagerly. And then, as if realising that he sounded a tad too enthusiastic at the face of the offer that would interfere with his supposed plans, added. ''We're planning on being here for two weeks, and a distraction wouldn't hurt.''

Jerry put on a grateful expression. ''That would be great, thank you,'' he said. ''But, if you could, you know, follow us from a distance? As to not give yourself away, he's above average in terms of observation and awareness of his surroundings.''

For the two agents, it was like Christmas and birthday at once. Here they were, about to unmask Rider's unsuitability and they even had inside help. They internally congratulated themselves on their skills – it was due to their careful planning and sly words that they got the offer; it must have been their trustworthy demeanour.

Taking one look at the successful results of his mission Jerry started talking business and they quickly ironed out the details of their deal – they exchanged numbers and he promised to notify them before they went everywhere. Everyone was happy with the arrangement, the agents because now that they didn't have to pay close attention to their surroundings at all times they had ample opportunity to plan they report so it would show them in a most flattering light, and Jerry because them not straying from their post meant they had free reign over the territory and a perfect opportunity to proceed with phase 2 of the plan.

As soon as he neared the camp he wordlessly gave Alex and Tom thumbs up, since he was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to say anything without laughing out loud. Alex gave him a look of understanding as he was forced to interact with the two in the past and knew that they left you with renewed awe at the fact with people that stupid actually managed to accomplish even the simplest of missions (although Alex willingly admitted that he met his fair share of stupid villains, and perhaps some were actually gullible enough to lost to the duo).

They quickly started unloading the gear. First, they prepared the ironing board (that one wasn't necessarily part of the prank but merely a chance for Tom to see how he would fare snowboarding on ironing board – as a precaution they choose one of the less steep hills for the track) and then started with the real preparations.

After loading the flamethrower and the shovels on the sledge they started trekking up the nearby hills until they got to the hidden cave. They quickly started covering the entrance with snow, piling it high enough so that the only way to notice the cave if you didn't know it was there was by stumbling onto it.

The plan was to decorate the cave and then for Alex to 'discover it' in his pursuit of the image he saw in his dreams and told him to go camping. They would enter through the invisible entrance and after two minutes the screams would start as if someone had grabbed them and dragged them away. They spent several hours perfecting their most bloodcurdling screams and evil cackling. However, since the agents would be trailing them from afar, they wouldn't see exactly where they disappeared, which would then prompt them to come across the series of creepy ice animals statues with glowing red eyes that would be situated along the trail that led past the cave. Once they would be in the range, snowballs would start hitting them constantly, activated by some very tricky mechanisms that Alex may or may not have borrowed from Smithers two months ago, which would serve as a further distraction while the shooting would come from the other direction. The sergeant was perfectly happy to open new, temporary outdoor shooting range to test the shooters' accuracy with snow and sun blinding them. If Alex also asked him to use some sound amplifiers, well, he must have had a good reason. That should result in some jumpy behaviour from the agents and the recording as blackmail material, while Alex and Jerry would execute the second part of the plan. The plan was for them to descend down the slope in the direction of shooting, Jerry on skies and Alex on ironing board, making it look as if they were trying to escape, with Tom creeping behind the agents' backs and activating the speakers to make it sound as if they somehow stumbled upon a real crime operation.

The agents were then supposed to take the logical next step (upon retrospection Alex admitted to himself that yes, he obviously overestimated them, but back then he still believed that they must have had more than one brain-cell between themselves to pass the recruitment), and either head back to heir camp to report their findings, or, at least to try and find a cover to try and find out more about what was happening, both of which would lead to another step of the plan.

At least that was the plan. Everything actually started the way it was supposed to. They woke up pretty early, grabbed the necessary equipment and the plan was on. Jerry sent his message and told them to follow from the safe distance and everything, they got to the cave

The first part of the plan went off without the hitch. But then, when the proceedings actually depended on the targets… well, let's just say it didn't really go as planned. Instead of taking the next logical step (for trained agents with some field experiences under their belts), they acted like it was their first time encountering any sort of dangerous situation. After initial fear and shock wore off, they decided that it was time for them to shine, and ran straight towards the source of the shooting. Not looking where they were going, they almost immediately slipped on ice, and started their rapid descend, on the wrong side of the hill. The change in the direction meant they accidentally triggered the flamethrower that was supposed to be used later as an imaginary dragon that Alex encountered in the cave, and managed to start an avalanche.

Alex could just stare wordlessly at the scene unravelling before his eyes. He blinked repeatedly, hoping against hope that it was his brains playing a trick on him. It wasn't. The idiots actually managed to foil his plan to the point where they were stuck under a pile of snow that was their own doing. Next to him Tom and Jerry were stuck in a similar state.

I was Jerry that finally voiced what they were all thinking. ''I know they said human stupidity is limitless, and I know that I met them, but still? This all seems such an overkill. We made all those plans, and all that they needed was some rope and did the rest by themselves.''

Alex just nodded and tried to shake away the feeling that he was cheated out of a perfect opportunity to reenact yet another scene from Home Alone. When he first discovered that he was being put under surveillance, he was toying with a thought of goading the agents until they committed some breaking and entering and then having some fun with them, but as Tom pointed out, they already did that the previous year. The camping plan was supposed to give them an opportunity to come up with something new and exciting as the street was a bit limited as far as space was concerned. And the vast hills of Brecon Beacon sounded like a perfect idea until it all went down the drain after mere twelve hours if one took into account the time that passed since their arrival to the point when it all fell into the water. Literally, since no one bothered to turn off the flamethrower and its heat started melting the snow, efficiently turning the snow into a big, muddy lake.

There was a moment when Alex entertained the thought of helping the agents get out of the lake but then decided against it. It just wasn't worth the effort, based on what they had seen so far they would find a way to muck that up too. He shrugged and started heading back towards their tent. There was nothing left to do, at least nothing even remotely interesting. Even their plans to test Tom's snowboarding skills went down the drain now that the hill they had chosen looked like a giant muddy puddle.

On the bright side, MI6 would probably realise how monumentally bad idea it was to send the idiots after him; if he was especially lucky the whole idea of stalking him would be written off as unlucrative and hopefully written off. But with his luck they might actually send someone capable after him, therefore giving him a real challenge to get read of them.

And, he thought as he sneakily started forming a snowball, they could still have a snowball fight, the environment was perfect for it. He dropped into the run. ''The last one at the tent has to explain our early return to Jack!'' he called over his shoulder and throw a snowball at Tom who dodged it in the last second, leaving Jerry in clear line of fire.

Alex smiled. It was still early enough to plan a new surprise. Especially since there was probably a bigger number of people celebrating holidays at home than there was in years… and they do say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Perhaps they actually started missing them.


End file.
